The Ego Dustbin
Part 1 of The Ego Paradox
I Used to Ask Managers to Throw Their Ego Away
For many years, whenever I conducted a management or leadership training programme, there was one ritual I almost never missed.
I would keep a dustbin in the training room.
Not for ordinary waste.
It was my Ego Dustbin.
At the beginning of the programme, I would give every participant a small piece of paper and ask them to write one word on it:
EGO
Then I would ask them to crush the paper and throw it into the dustbin.
Simple.
Symbolic.
And, at that time, I genuinely believed it was meaningful.
The message was straightforward:
Leave your ego outside the training room.
I believed that managers could think better, listen better, collaborate better and learn better if they temporarily put their ego aside.
And I still believe there was wisdom in that exercise.
But today, after many years of observing people, organisations—and perhaps more importantly, myself—I realise that my understanding of ego was incomplete.
Because there was one fundamental question I had not asked:
Can you really throw your ego away?
Ego is not always arrogance
We often use the word ego rather casually.
Someone who speaks too much is called egotistical.
Someone who doesn't accept criticism has an ego.
Someone who wants recognition has an ego.
Someone who believes strongly in his own ability has an ego.
But these things are not necessarily the same.
There is a healthy sense of self that every leader needs.
You need confidence to take difficult decisions.
You need self-belief to enter uncertain territory.
You need conviction when everybody around you is questioning your decision.
You need resilience when a decision fails.
And sometimes you need enough inner strength to stand alone.
So perhaps the problem is not having an ego.
Perhaps the problem is allowing ego to become the decision-maker.
That is a very different proposition.
Then something happened to me
As my career progressed, I moved into increasingly senior roles.
With seniority came something else:
authority.
People started listening differently.
My opinions carried greater weight.
My decisions affected more people.
And, naturally, confidence grew with experience.
I had spent decades in business. I had made decisions, made mistakes, built teams, handled crises, created brands, fought battles and survived situations that had once seemed impossible.
Experience does something interesting to us.
It gives us confidence.
But it can also give us something more dangerous:
the confidence that our experience is always relevant.
And somewhere along the way, I heard people say:
“Rajeev has a large ego.”
I didn't dismiss it.
I actually thought about it.
And after examining myself, I reached a conclusion that, today, I believe was wrong.
I thought:
“Perhaps I can afford ego.”
I had earned my experience.
I had demonstrated my capabilities.
I had reached a position where I could speak my mind.
I could take strong positions.
I could challenge people.
I could disagree with senior colleagues.
I could insist on standards.
And because I had achieved a certain level of credibility, I thought perhaps some degree of ego was simply the price—or privilege—of reaching that level.
Today, I see the flaw in that thinking.
Authority does not make ego affordable.
If anything, authority makes ego more dangerous.
Because power can hide ego remarkably well
When you are junior, ego is usually easier to recognise.
It looks like arrogance.
It looks like showing off.
It looks like trying to prove yourself.
But when you become senior, ego becomes much more sophisticated.
It can disguise itself as:
Experience.
“I have seen this before.”
Conviction.
“I know this is the right decision.”
Standards.
“I simply don't compromise on quality.”
Accountability.
“Someone has to take the tough call.”
Leadership.
“People need to follow the decision.”
And sometimes all of those statements are absolutely true.
That's what makes ego so difficult to identify.
It doesn't always enter the room shouting:
“Look at me!”
Sometimes it enters quietly wearing the clothes of experience, responsibility and authority.
The real danger isn't confidence
I have become increasingly convinced that we sometimes teach leaders the wrong lesson about ego.
We tell them:
“Control your ego.”
Perhaps we should instead teach them:
“Understand what your ego is doing.”
Because confidence is not ego.
Authority is not ego.
Conviction is not ego.
Being demanding is not ego.
Having strong opinions is not ego.
Even being wrong—and refusing to admit it—is not always simply ego. Sometimes it is insecurity. Sometimes fear. Sometimes organisational conditioning.
The more important question is:
Why am I reacting this way?
Am I defending the organisation?
Am I defending a principle?
Am I protecting my team?
Am I standing up for something important?
Or...
Am I protecting my image?
That last question can be uncomfortable.
But perhaps leadership maturity begins precisely there.
The dustbin needs a new purpose
Looking back at all those training rooms, I still like my Ego Dustbin.
But I would change the instruction today.
I would no longer ask participants to throw their ego away.
I would ask them to write one additional question underneath the word EGO:
“What does my ego make me do?”
Because ego is not something we can simply discard.
It travels with us.
Into meetings.
Into boardrooms.
Into negotiations.
Into appraisals.
Into disagreements.
Into leadership decisions.
And sometimes, most dangerously, into conversations where we genuinely believe we are being completely rational.
The objective, therefore, isn't to become ego-less.
It is to become ego-aware.
To recognise when confidence is speaking.
When conviction is speaking.
When experience is speaking.
And when, quietly, almost invisibly...
ego has taken the microphone.
And that brings me to a question I had never asked when I first introduced the Ego Dustbin:
What happens when the person holding the authority also holds the ego?
That is where the real leadership challenge begins.
And that is where my own story takes me next.
Part 2: “I Could Afford Ego” — The Most Dangerous Ego Is the One You Can Justify.